Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about religion. Perhaps my current mind state can be attributed to the overabundance of bible quotes posted on Facebook or Florida Evans’ continual reverence to the Lord when addressing her family’s financial woes (yes, I am a die-hard Good Times fan). Whatever the reason, religion has been very heavy on my mind lately.
In my lifetime I have been asked about my personal relationship with god and/or my local church more times than I care to remember. It is usually assumed that a person, particularly a black person who was raised in the, ‘hood’, is a Christian. At the point in which said person declares, ‘no, I am not Christian’, the next assumption arises; ‘oh, so you a Muslim?’
As a person who falls in the category of ‘neither Christian nor Muslim’, you can just about imagine society’s uncomfortable relationship with me (read: I must be a weirdo).
How can a person not be a Christian or a Muslim?!?!?! This can’t be!
Wait, they must be Jewish…
No.
Buddhist?
Nope.
A Scientologist?
No.
Well then what are you?!
Hello, I am non-religious, nice to meet you.
Such has been my life. Now, for all of you who love the Lord and find that church is just about the only place to worship him, you may not want to read any further…unless you have an open mind and a sense of humor.
On to my top 10…
Reason #10:
Church is not interesting to me. Actually, it is quite (dare I say) boring….
Reason #9:
I’m broke and church is not free. I cannot afford to put money in any of the brass/wicker/plastic bowls, which are usually circulated at least 3 times around the church in a matter of 1 hour. I can’t do it, I’m hungry and my gas tank is on ‘E’...
Reason #8:
I am cool with me. Also, I am cool with my family. There are enough of us and our craziness therefore I DO NOT NEED an extended church family to irk me and be all up in my business, in the name of the lord. No thank you…
Reason #7
I like to chill on Sundays and churches are not exactly what I would like to call ‘chill spots’…
Reason #6
I ask too many questions and, if I am not mistaken, the #1 unwritten church rule is: do not EVER ask questions in church before, during, or after Pastor’s sermon unless;
a) you are asking about the health of somebody’s momma,
b) you are asking an excessively hyper child if he/she would like to get slapped into next week (in the name of Jesus), or
c) you are asking the usher for a pen so that you can sign your offering check…
Reason #5
I can’t sit still for more than 20 minutes…
Reason #4:
A church is merely a building; a building that does not take precedence over my bed on a Sunday morning…
Reason # 3:
Very large crucifixes scare me (small ones are quite bizarre as well)...
Reason #2:
I do not know church protocol. I don’t know when to sing, when to clap, when to pray, when to stand, when to sit, or what to say while the preacher is taking a breath between words. Is there some kind of church etiquette book that I should be aware of?
AND FOR THE #1 REASON THAT I DO NOT GO TO CHURCH….
IT IS TOO LOUD!!! Churches are full of people who cannot sing but who sing anyway. Why would I want to voluntarily sit in a building and listen to people who cannot sing? Furthermore, church sound systems are terrible. Just terrible. And to make up for the terrible-ness of their sound systems, they put them on full blast as if that is going to make them sound any better. No, that just gives me a headache and makes my eyes twitch.
